annieology

That’s my dog.  Or at least he was  for 43 seconds back in 1997.   He was my birthday present from Tech Support that year.  I named him Bailey.   That was the extent of our relationship.  Bailey fell head over heels in love with Tech Support.

I became the opposition.

When Daddy Awesome would leave.  Bailey would wait by the door and stare at me.  Willing me to open the door and let his master back inside.  He never seemed to understand that I had not locked Tech Support in the garage.

Despite his quirks he was a good dog. And by quirks, I mean his disdain for me.  That and the dog would never sleep on the floor.  He would pull blankets off of beds, or cushions off the couch, but would not lay himself down on the floor.

This morning I took him to the vet.

He didn’t come back with me.

He was deaf.  Blind.  Dumb.  Really dumb.  He had epilepsy.  It was a toss up whether his legs would work, and you could pretty much guarantee a puddle of pee somewhere in the house several times a day as he’d lost control of his body.  He would get confused and not recognize us and would snap at us in those moments.   When Daddy Awesome was not in the house, he would howl the entire time he was gone.  If I tried to comfort him he’d let me know that in no uncertain terms was I to come anywhere near him.

We’ve been avoiding the decision for months now.  But this morning Tech Support came to tell me he’d made arrangements and asked me to drive him to the vet.   He couldn’t do it, and I knew it.  I also couldn’t NOT do it, knowing how my husband had agonized over this decision, I couldn’t go “but I don’t want to drive him.”

So, I did.

Bailey was the perfect dog this morning.

Loved the car ride.  No anxiety.

For the first time ever, EVER,  he walked on the leash for me.  I did not have to drag him.   He did not drag me.  Just a nice peaceful pace.   Even after we got done with a sniffing session, that I felt I owed him, he did not hesitate to walk into the vets office.

Luckily they knew who I was and I didn’t have to say a word.  Because I couldn’t.  I couldn’t even look at the receptionist.   I took one look at her and lost it.  Big snotty crying ensued.   She showed me to the room, and Bailey his under the bench and I cried.

People would come and go with paper work and then she brought in a muzzle.  Deciding that we should sedate him while he was wearing it, because the only thing that could make this worse was for him to bite someone and have to be quarantined for ten days.

He let me put him on it, with very little coaxing.  Which made it worse.  I have not even been able to pet him or brush him or come near him in a very long time and there he was all “whispered” and calm.

They gave him an intramuscular shot to calm him down.

It did not.

After awhile they came in and gave him an IV shot which did the trick.

He was still alive.  But “Elvis had left the building’.

The vet said I could go if I wished.  Bailey had no clue whether I was there or not.

I stayed.

and I cried.

Ugly cry cried.

I didn’t want him to die with strangers, whether he knew it or not.

And just like that he was dead.

And I miss him.

The house seems so empty without him.

Like when Dagan left for college.  When she had lived here she was hardly here, but when she didn’t live here, it seemed weird. Still does.  But it’s getting better.  I’m sure this will too.

Grief is exhausting.

I miss you, you stupid dog.

This entry was posted on Thursday, January 7th, 2010 at 1:22 am and is filed under Awful. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.