A Dozen Random Thoughts
It has been awhile since I wrote about a whole lotta nothing. It’s been awhile since I felt like writing. There are times when my rants seem less ranty and more complainy. I don’t want to be that girl.
Awhile back, I reconnected with a lost love. If you want to be technical about it, it was an exhusband. For the longest time I didn’t even speak to him, even though we shared a child. I was so wrapped up in my own drama that someone could dare not love me, that if he wasn’t going to love me, then he wasn’t even get to breathe in my awesomeness. Which is stupid. There was a time when I couldn’t get enough of him, and then life happened, and my feelers got hurt, and I might be a lot stubborn.
We found a common goal, and it opened a door, and my hurt finally became an adult and walked out. We chat semi-regularly and I really do enjoy it.
In other news, I finally found a church I like here. Apparently I’m a Methodist now. Again, THIS IS NOT WHO I AM. A Methodist for goodness sake. I’ve enjoyed several sermons in my life, I can probably count on one hand the ones that have altered my life. Easter this year was one of them. When it was proposed that “My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?” Was not the cry of an abandoned child, but the teaching of the child of God, who was reminding us that God is there all the time. BOOM. Life. Altered. If you walk around thinking that God will turn his back on HIS SON in the moment of his greatest need, what the hell kind of hope do is there for me? I now rest assured that really, truly, God will never turn his back on me. If he can be there when the literal sin weight of time and eternity is thrust on the back of Jesus, well then he can handle all the stupid shit I get myself into.
Then, there is the belief vs experience conundrum running around my head.
You can believe whatever you want, but an experience may trump that.
For example, I can believe that everyone in Texas has a cow, until I move to Texas and I don’t have a cow. Or that the Pacific ocean in warm in California until I get into the freakin Pacific ocean in California and freeze.
Real world application. Do I love my kids? Yes. Do they believe that? Probably? Do they experience it? FUCK. Probably not. I’m super busy and shit. Busy living out the sins of the father and I spend my time doing, and not being, and wondering why I can’t connect.
Working on it.
Which has made me question who I’m trying to impress. Who is it that I need to be to get somebody to love me? And I think of the people with whom I experience love. I think of the times where I experienced love for a time, and then lost it. People love ME. People do not love the person that I think I need to be in order for them to love me. Well, not all people love ME, some people want to love the person they want me to be, but then they don’t really love ME, right. So, I will stop giving a fuck, I’ll just be Annie, and take it or leave it I am WYSIWYG.
Except at work.
Which sucks, because Annie could really brighten up the place.
Apparently my Mac is about to sleep, which means so should I.
Do your pushups. I will see you soon.
ps – is “best regards” not just the biggest “FUCK YOU YOU FUCKING FUCK” of all?