annieology

You might have heard, it’s mah birthday.  No one is more excited than the littles.  For some reason they have the love language of birthday celebrating.  It is non-stop singing, dancing, decorating, present giving and cake eating.  Fast and furious is the pace they expect.

Yet, we who were raised in an era prior to Chuck E. Cheese birthday parties and Super Sweet 16’s are a little slower paced.  We know there are about three things that go on at a (family oriented) birthday.   Food.  Cake.  Presents.  Well, one bite in and we were ready to move on to the presents.  Radical got me a lovely necklace that he picked out and paid for himself.  Boog, the head partier had wrapped a present for me earlier in the day.  A book.  Off his book shelf.  And when I say “he” wrapped it, I mean “me”.  But I LOVE his spirit.  When I got ready to open the present that was very obviously a book because it a) looked like a book and b) I had wrapped it, I shook it and said “Is it a new car?”  and he laughed and laughed.  Then it was a mad dash to the other room to find me a car.  And a third hand purse, and then about every other thing they could get their hands on.  So cute.

By the time the presents were finished, I wanted to sit and chat quietly with Hubby (wait for the alcohol to kick in).  So we sent them away.  They came back.  This process repeated one too many times with yet another “when can we have some cake?”  I told them to run check in the back yard and see if Satan was back there holding some ice skates.

They did.

They were still outside when we heard the screaming.

“SATAN’S NOT OUT HERE MOM.”

Yeah, the neighbors are talking about the Awesome’s tonight.

Again.

(also, Hubby got me a slumber party with my girl friends)

The littles and I swim nearly every day.  It’s been our summer ritual for the past three summers.  When the twins were two I decided if I was ever going to enjoy the pool with three little ones, they were going to have to learn to swim.

And they did.

And they do it well.

And I spend a lot of time sunning myself in a chair.

Working on my tan lines.

The pool we go to employs about 47 life guards. And there is only one entrance that is guarded.  I could literally take a nap and not worry.  I haven’t.  But I could.

This week we have an extra little friend over to play with us every day.  He too is four.  So, off I go with three kids who are four and a five year old.

It should also be noted that I do not tolerate small children hanging on me in the pool.  I don’t like it.

Well, having a non-swimmer forced me to be a little more pro-active in my pool going.  The first day he clung to me like a spider monkey, had me in a death grip until he fell asleep…in the pool.  We did not go the second day.  By day three I knew I had created a monster.  He was going up and down slides.  Climbing on toys, and I was two steps behind him the whole way.

Well, Princess was none too happy about that.  Even though I was playing with all four of them, I didn’t have to hold on to her.

So, the kids were jumping off the sides.  I’d high five mine, and would catch our friend.  This turned the Princess into Her Royal Pain in the Ass.  She started screeching and whining and finally went well out of reach, jumped in and started screaming

“Help!  Help! I can’t swim! I can’t swim! I can’t swim!”

This got the attention of about 30 of the 47 lifeguards who started to descend on ground zero like a swarm.  Unfortunately for her, I got to her first.  I drug her out of the pool, plopped her on the deck and told her in my sternest Super Nanny voice.

“YOU WILL SIT HERE UNTIL  YOU LEARN HOW!”

I then walked away and ignored her.  Women started grabbing their children and pulling them close, pretty much leaving about half the pool for our  exclusive use.

Princess sniffled and sobbed for a bit, then got up and walked to the edge, and with the whole park looking on, jumped in and swam off.

Meal planning is easy with many small children.  See?

********************************

“Mom, whatcha doin’?”

“Trying to figure out what we’re going to eat for the next week.”

“Do you like my lectangle?”

“Yes, it’s beautiful.”

“I can draw a lectangle.”

“Can you get me a notebook and pens?”

“No, I’m busy.”

“aaaarrrrhghhhhhahaaahhhhaaaaa Waaah!”

“Shut up I can’t hear the tv.”

TV volume gets turned up to 76.

“Go away, Mommy needs to figure out what to eat.”

“We already ate six cans of Ravioli in the play room.”

“What?  I was just in there???”

“We just did it.”

Upon investigation it looks more like 3.7 cans consumed.  The rest is in the toy box, on the couch, under the couch, on every blanket in the house.

“COHHHHHHCKKROACH!!!!”

Yea, big surprise there.

“KILL IT, KILL IT.”

“Trying.”

“Shut up, I can’t hear the TV.”

TV volume gets raised to 87.

“Go outside, I need to figure out what we are going to eat.”

“McDonald’s”

“I hate McDonald’s”

“We’re not going to McDonald’s – now go outside.”

“It’s too hot.”

“I wanna go to the pool.”

“I wanna do something fun.”

“The pool is fun.”

“No it’s not, fatty.”

“I’m not a fatty, stoooopid.”

“Just a regular stupid.”

“Maaaaaaammm.”

“You.  To your bedroom.  You. To the play room.  You to the couch.”

“I neeeeeeed a frieeeeend.”

“Stop whining.’

“Shut up.”

“No, you shut up.”

“No, everybody shut up.”

“Mom’s aren’t supposed to say shut up.”

“How many days until I go to Kindergarten?”

“Too many.”

“Can you show me with your fingers?”

Flashes 20 fingers.

“That’s going to take too long.”

Tell me about it.

“When you go to the store I want Cool Ranch Dorito’s and a Vanilla Milk. Also could you get Cimon Toast Crunch and Flime Cheetos.”

“Flime Cheetos.”

“Yes, Cheetos wiflime.”

“Oh Cheetos with Lime.  OK”

“I wanna go to Target.”

“We’re not going to Target.

“But whyyyyyyy?   I thought you loooooved me.”

“I do, but we are not going to Target.”

“Can we still go to McDonald’s?”

“We’re not going to McDonald’s.”

“But you said….”

“But I said nothing.”

“But I’m huuuuungry.”

“You just had six cans of Ravioli, how can you be hungry.”

“I didn’t have any Ravioli.”

“You still have some in your ear.”

“That’s not Ravioli, I stuck a pencil in my ear.”

“Are you serious?….It is too Ravioli”

“Liar.”

“Fatty.”

“Stoopid.”

“Moooooooooommmmmmm.”

“Everybody!  Shut up.  Get into the car, we have to go to the grocery store.”

$487 and no chicken later……

“Babe, what’s for dinner?”

“Flime Cheetos, and Vanilla Milk.”

“I’m just gonna go to McDonald’s”

“Yeah?  Get me some rum.”