annieology

Do you remember back in April, when Tech Support and I ran away to London, without permission from CPS (our parole officer) leaving the orphans in the care of unlicensed professionals (sister and grandma) and while I was gone I missed a class and then Tech Support got stuck there because of a volcano and we were out of compliance and I was no longer allowed to administer two puffs from an inhaler to an orphan?

Then, because of the volcano we had to cancel our romantic getaway to Oregon Wine Country because one of us wasn’t going to be in the country?

So, we spent a couple hundred dollars changing our tickets, and a couple thousand buying tickets for the many small children and turned it into a family vacation?

Do you remember this?

And all along, I was hesitant to go to Oregon, had a bad juju feeling about the whole thing.

So, we rescheduled, and AFTER 5.5 years in foster care we were given an adoption date.

DURING THE MIDDLE OF OUR VACATION????

So WE had to pass?

WELL, GUESS WHAT HAPPENED TODAY?

Jury duty.

FEDERAL JURY DUTY.

Right smack dab in the middle of my Oregon vacation.

Oh yes, I checked the box marked many small children and returned it.

Got a letter today and I misquote.

“Too bad, so sad, get your ass in here, (we’ll still excuse you, we just need you to bring birth certificates {that don’t have MY name on them}) and NO, we will not deal with this matter via phone.  You can deal with it on the web, but when you click the button you will only see a message that says “your session has timed out”.

p.s. – WE MAY DECIDE THAT WE DON’T NEED YOU BUT IT WON’T BE UNTIL 6:00 THE NIGHT BEFORE SO PLEASE CALL THE HOTLINE

Throw a fuckin frisbee?  What?  You want me to show up so that I can excuse myself, but you reserve the right to change your mind 14 hours before I get there?  uh uh.

I’m sure it will all work out.

BUT

right now?  Kinda ticked off.

Not that we’ve been granted permission to take the kids out of state anyway.  That being said, if we have to cancel our vacation, again, because I have to appear to be excused from jury duty, and we’d have been here anyway for a court date that we passed on after begging for one for FIVE years, I’m going to take a picture and send it to Alanis, because that my friend….is irony.

I am so not a fan of graduating from EVER Y THING.  Princess and Boog are graduating from Mother’s Day Out, for goodness sake.  They finger paint and eat cookies while mom goes grocery shopping.  This is not an accomplishment.  Last year when Felpsy graduated, I had to buy a cap and gown for MOTHER’S FREAKIN DAY OUT.

Speaking of Felpsy, he’s graduating from Kindergarten.  Hey sport, way to master the ABC’s and the 123’s which you already knew, and since buying a cap and gown for Kindergarten graduation would be STUPID we just need to go and buy you some “Sunday best” which is discrimanatory against heathens.  I’m not a heathen, “thank you Jesus” but we wear our swim suits to church.  A by-product of living in a coastal community and the possibility that someone may need baptizin’.

Now, over the years the school has compelled us to attend these stupid infant graduations by holding them DURING school hours.  We can’t keep our kids home from them or we’ll go to jail for intentionally allowing our kids to skip school where they (get funding) are learning (although the test is over lurnin is done).  So, if we don’t show up (skip WORK)  we look like horrible parents.  Even worse,  WE look like horrible foster parents.

So, we go.

Which brings us to the 5th grader, who is also graduating.  A bit more of an accomplishment, but I would rather mark it by tossing out all of the Sponge Bob undies than attending YET ANOTHER graduation.  But whatever.  I attended the orphans’ I will go to yours too.

The only kid still at home that is not graduating is Sk8rboi, our 17 year old.  Who is going to school, and doing as well as he ever does, and working 25 or more hours a week and doing it all without so much as a “get your arse outta bed” from me.  He’s accomplishing something.

I need to write the school board.

He’s going to feel left out and develop a complex and end up in a clock tower.

Dear school board,

It’s not fair that not everybody gets to graduate from everything.  4/5 of my children will be graduating this year and my 1/5 is being discriminated against.  Either cancel all graduations or include everyone.  It’s only fair.  Also, I would like to recommend that each year you change the colors of the caps and gowns so that I have a broad color spectrum and no one is subject to hand me downs.  I also think that $30 is a good price point to start at.  The end of the year is a good time to hit us with these extra fees, because the kids are also going to lots of field trips and such because, as you know, standardized tests are over by the end of April and teaching kids after that would be pointless.

I’m not trying to tell you how to run things, just a concerned parent.

Sincerely, Annie

Also too, dear readers, don’t tell me to homeschool.  I cannot homeschool the orphans and homeschooling my “real” kids would seem cruel and exclusive.  Besides, the only thing I’ve effectively taught them is the “f” word and even that, I got wrong.

Spirit Airlines has started charging for CARRY ON bags.

We Throw Frisbees?

So, headed by Charles Schumer (D-NY), our representatives are trying to declare carry on luggage a “necessary part of travel“.  As much as it pains me, I’m going to have to agree with the man.

While we are at it, let’s discuss the new “Extra Legroom” charge.  You will notice that the “Extra Legroom” seats are historically known as “Exit Row” seats.

Now they charge you a fee for those seats.

On the final leg of my latest journey, I was stopped at boarding and told that the “alotted number of passengers” had already boarded the plane.  Me and the final ten passengers booked on the flight were held back and asked to “voluntarily” give up our seats.  Due to recent flight schedule changes the airline needed to dead head a crew to the airport in the City by the Sea, and all of us would not be able to board the plane.

So, I promptly volunteered.

I knew there was only one empty seat on the next flight four hours later.  I knew that the first volunteer got on that flight.  I also knew there were only two more flights remaining for the day.  I wanted to be home and not have to find a hotel and do the whole process all over in the morning.  Plus, I didn’t really think they needed ten seats for the crew that typically numbers three on the regional flight.

So, I got my voluntary relinquishment form.  Filled it out and was first to hand it in.  Yay me.

After the super computer computed many things, I’m sure it included the $400 travel voucher I was promised for being first, and being nice.  I know for a fact that the mean grouchy people were only getting $150, they agreed to let a couple more people on the plane.

Mrs. Awesome

and

The guy who just got back from Iraq.

But because the plane was full, my assigned seat was being occupied by Goldilocks and I was told to sit anywhere.

The empty, fee based “Extra Leg Room” seats.

The flight attendant made a beeline for us.  I was anticipating having to pretend to be nice when I got the boot.

“You realize you are sitting in an Exit Row?”

Yes…..

“In the event of an emergency are you willing and capable of helping out?”

Yes….

But only because I’m nice, this was free and  I doubt that there will be an emergency.

But had I BOUGHT the upgrade????  Hail NO.

You want me to “work” I’m willing to work, but I ain’t paying for it.  If I pay the $100 to sit there, little ol’ ladies be damned, I’m outta there and Tweeting the breaking news to CNN.  Maybe do a little live vlogging from the crash site.

Exit row seats should go to the swift.  You check in 24 hours in advance?  You have the option of extra legroom.  It’s the American way.  Early bird catches the worm and what not.

Except that the American way of crushing it has been replaced by fees on “amenities” that are yet to be taxed.

So, look forward to more taxes.  More fees.  Layering three days of clothing when you fly, and be sure to carry quarters for when they start charging to use the lavatories on the plane.