Then, because of the volcano we had to cancel our romantic getaway to Oregon Wine Country because one of us wasn’t going to be in the country?

So, we spent a couple hundred dollars changing our tickets, and a couple thousand buying tickets for the many small children and turned it into a family vacation?

Do you remember this?

And all along, I was hesitant to go to Oregon, had a bad juju feeling about the whole thing.

So, we rescheduled, and AFTER 5.5 years in foster care we were given an adoption date.

DURING THE MIDDLE OF OUR VACATION????

So WE had to pass?

WELL, GUESS WHAT HAPPENED TODAY?

Jury duty.

FEDERAL JURY DUTY.

Right smack dab in the middle of my Oregon vacation.

Oh yes, I checked the box marked many small children and returned it.

Got a letter today and I misquote.

“Too bad, so sad, get your ass in here, (we’ll still excuse you, we just need you to bring birth certificates {that don’t have MY name on them}) and NO, we will not deal with this matter via phone.  You can deal with it on the web, but when you click the button you will only see a message that says “your session has timed out”.

p.s. – WE MAY DECIDE THAT WE DON’T NEED YOU BUT IT WON’T BE UNTIL 6:00 THE NIGHT BEFORE SO PLEASE CALL THE HOTLINE

Throw a fuckin frisbee?  What?  You want me to show up so that I can excuse myself, but you reserve the right to change your mind 14 hours before I get there?  uh uh.

I’m sure it will all work out.

BUT

right now?  Kinda ticked off.

Not that we’ve been granted permission to take the kids out of state anyway.  That being said, if we have to cancel our vacation, again, because I have to appear to be excused from jury duty, and we’d have been here anyway for a court date that we passed on after begging for one for FIVE years, I’m going to take a picture and send it to Alanis, because that my friend….is irony.

Speaking of Felpsy, he’s graduating from Kindergarten.  Hey sport, way to master the ABC’s and the 123’s which you already knew, and since buying a cap and gown for Kindergarten graduation would be STUPID we just need to go and buy you some “Sunday best” which is discrimanatory against heathens.  I’m not a heathen, “thank you Jesus” but we wear our swim suits to church.  A by-product of living in a coastal community and the possibility that someone may need baptizin’.

Now, over the years the school has compelled us to attend these stupid infant graduations by holding them DURING school hours.  We can’t keep our kids home from them or we’ll go to jail for intentionally allowing our kids to skip school where they (get funding) are learning (although the test is over lurnin is done).  So, if we don’t show up (skip WORK)  we look like horrible parents.  Even worse,  WE look like horrible foster parents.

So, we go.

Which brings us to the 5th grader, who is also graduating.  A bit more of an accomplishment, but I would rather mark it by tossing out all of the Sponge Bob undies than attending YET ANOTHER graduation.  But whatever.  I attended the orphans’ I will go to yours too.

The only kid still at home that is not graduating is Sk8rboi, our 17 year old.  Who is going to school, and doing as well as he ever does, and working 25 or more hours a week and doing it all without so much as a “get your arse outta bed” from me.  He’s accomplishing something.

I need to write the school board.

He’s going to feel left out and develop a complex and end up in a clock tower.

Dear school board,

It’s not fair that not everybody gets to graduate from everything.  4/5 of my children will be graduating this year and my 1/5 is being discriminated against.  Either cancel all graduations or include everyone.  It’s only fair.  Also, I would like to recommend that each year you change the colors of the caps and gowns so that I have a broad color spectrum and no one is subject to hand me downs.  I also think that $30 is a good price point to start at.  The end of the year is a good time to hit us with these extra fees, because the kids are also going to lots of field trips and such because, as you know, standardized tests are over by the end of April and teaching kids after that would be pointless.

I’m not trying to tell you how to run things, just a concerned parent.

Sincerely, Annie

Also too, dear readers, don’t tell me to homeschool.  I cannot homeschool the orphans and homeschooling my “real” kids would seem cruel and exclusive.  Besides, the only thing I’ve effectively taught them is the “f” word and even that, I got wrong.

We Throw Frisbees?

So, headed by Charles Schumer (D-NY), our representatives are trying to declare carry on luggage a “necessary part of travel“.  As much as it pains me, I’m going to have to agree with the man.

While we are at it, let’s discuss the new “Extra Legroom” charge.  You will notice that the “Extra Legroom” seats are historically known as “Exit Row” seats.

Now they charge you a fee for those seats.

On the final leg of my latest journey, I was stopped at boarding and told that the “alotted number of passengers” had already boarded the plane.  Me and the final ten passengers booked on the flight were held back and asked to “voluntarily” give up our seats.  Due to recent flight schedule changes the airline needed to dead head a crew to the airport in the City by the Sea, and all of us would not be able to board the plane.

So, I promptly volunteered.

I knew there was only one empty seat on the next flight four hours later.  I knew that the first volunteer got on that flight.  I also knew there were only two more flights remaining for the day.  I wanted to be home and not have to find a hotel and do the whole process all over in the morning.  Plus, I didn’t really think they needed ten seats for the crew that typically numbers three on the regional flight.

So, I got my voluntary relinquishment form.  Filled it out and was first to hand it in.  Yay me.

After the super computer computed many things, I’m sure it included the $400 travel voucher I was promised for being first, and being nice.  I know for a fact that the mean grouchy people were only getting $150, they agreed to let a couple more people on the plane.

Mrs. Awesome

and

The guy who just got back from Iraq.

But because the plane was full, my assigned seat was being occupied by Goldilocks and I was told to sit anywhere.

The empty, fee based “Extra Leg Room” seats.

The flight attendant made a beeline for us.  I was anticipating having to pretend to be nice when I got the boot.

“You realize you are sitting in an Exit Row?”

Yes…..

“In the event of an emergency are you willing and capable of helping out?”

Yes….

But only because I’m nice, this was free and  I doubt that there will be an emergency.

But had I BOUGHT the upgrade????  Hail NO.

You want me to “work” I’m willing to work, but I ain’t paying for it.  If I pay the $100 to sit there, little ol’ ladies be damned, I’m outta there and Tweeting the breaking news to CNN.  Maybe do a little live vlogging from the crash site.

Exit row seats should go to the swift.  You check in 24 hours in advance?  You have the option of extra legroom.  It’s the American way.  Early bird catches the worm and what not.

Except that the American way of crushing it has been replaced by fees on “amenities” that are yet to be taxed.

So, look forward to more taxes.  More fees.  Layering three days of clothing when you fly, and be sure to carry quarters for when they start charging to use the lavatories on the plane.

Sorry for that image.

Walgreen’s.  Don’t call me and tell me that I have a prescription waiting for my puker, make me put many small children in the car, drive over there and then tell me that you are still waiting for authorization on one of the meds, but I can pay for it outside of insurance if I’d like.  NO.  Get everything ready and THEN call.

Attorney.  When I call for legal advice, don’t pass me to the paralegal who CANNOT give legal advice.  I don’t want to pay to talk to her, pay to have her talk to you and then end up talking to you anyway for clarification.  NO.  When I call for legal advice, YOU call me back directly.

Google Maps.  I know you have many millions of people feeding you information.  I have come to rely on your accurate maps and what not.  Yesterday while looking for a restaurant I ended up in a vacant lot.  Not only was that lot vacant, but so were the surrounding 100 acres.  The second restaurant ended up being a trailer park.  Ultimate #FAIL on your part Google maps.

Now to give you an example on how to run your business, take Quizno’s  for example.  Having failed at two previous attempts of finding a restaurant, we ended up there.  Thank you for realizing that our ten year old, while too old for a kids meal, still might want to color and giving him the kids pack insert.  Awesome.

Also, our martial arts studio.  They have on several occasions offered free day camp to our many small children on days when school is not in session.  We have several family members enrolled in the school, but they don’t have to give us free camp.  But they are caring for us and our orphans and we truly, truly appreciate it.

I became the opposition.

When Daddy Awesome would leave.  Bailey would wait by the door and stare at me.  Willing me to open the door and let his master back inside.  He never seemed to understand that I had not locked Tech Support in the garage.

Despite his quirks he was a good dog. And by quirks, I mean his disdain for me.  That and the dog would never sleep on the floor.  He would pull blankets off of beds, or cushions off the couch, but would not lay himself down on the floor.

This morning I took him to the vet.

He didn’t come back with me.

He was deaf.  Blind.  Dumb.  Really dumb.  He had epilepsy.  It was a toss up whether his legs would work, and you could pretty much guarantee a puddle of pee somewhere in the house several times a day as he’d lost control of his body.  He would get confused and not recognize us and would snap at us in those moments.   When Daddy Awesome was not in the house, he would howl the entire time he was gone.  If I tried to comfort him he’d let me know that in no uncertain terms was I to come anywhere near him.

We’ve been avoiding the decision for months now.  But this morning Tech Support came to tell me he’d made arrangements and asked me to drive him to the vet.   He couldn’t do it, and I knew it.  I also couldn’t NOT do it, knowing how my husband had agonized over this decision, I couldn’t go “but I don’t want to drive him.”

So, I did.

Bailey was the perfect dog this morning.

Loved the car ride.  No anxiety.

For the first time ever, EVER,  he walked on the leash for me.  I did not have to drag him.   He did not drag me.  Just a nice peaceful pace.   Even after we got done with a sniffing session, that I felt I owed him, he did not hesitate to walk into the vets office.

Luckily they knew who I was and I didn’t have to say a word.  Because I couldn’t.  I couldn’t even look at the receptionist.   I took one look at her and lost it.  Big snotty crying ensued.   She showed me to the room, and Bailey his under the bench and I cried.

People would come and go with paper work and then she brought in a muzzle.  Deciding that we should sedate him while he was wearing it, because the only thing that could make this worse was for him to bite someone and have to be quarantined for ten days.

He let me put him on it, with very little coaxing.  Which made it worse.  I have not even been able to pet him or brush him or come near him in a very long time and there he was all “whispered” and calm.

They gave him an intramuscular shot to calm him down.

It did not.

After awhile they came in and gave him an IV shot which did the trick.

He was still alive.  But “Elvis had left the building’.

The vet said I could go if I wished.  Bailey had no clue whether I was there or not.

I stayed.

and I cried.

Ugly cry cried.

I didn’t want him to die with strangers, whether he knew it or not.

And just like that he was dead.

And I miss him.

The house seems so empty without him.

Like when Dagan left for college.  When she had lived here she was hardly here, but when she didn’t live here, it seemed weird. Still does.  But it’s getting better.  I’m sure this will too.

Grief is exhausting.

I miss you, you stupid dog.

So, blah blah blah.

I even have a map a stickers, I was going to do a vlog explaining the big move.  I was going to be all weather girly and it would have been awesome.

All in all, I’m fairly disappointed with the new super computer.  It locks up regularly, cycles screens periodically. I spent extra money to get more, more, more.  I got the most in every category.  Still slow.  It’s not like you can’t make it small and fast.  My phone is faster.   Luckily it came in a rubberized case so when i get super frustrated, I can throw it.  Maybe if I throw it at my dog who has been barking for 45 minutes because Daddy Awesome is gone I can alleviate two of my problems.

People who ask me if I’m babysitting.  Not cool people.

One of Hubby’s disc golf buddies was surprised to see Hubby wearing tie dye.  He didn’t think Christians were allowed to wear tie dye.  THIS IS THE VIBE THAT CHRISTIANS ARE PUTTING OUT.  Not Jesus loves you, died for you, saved you from Hell but I’m better because I would never dress the way you do.   Not cool.

Having your computer suddenly highlight your entire paragraph while you are typing, therefore erasing a totally humorous and profound paragraph that I will not likely ever rival again.  Not cool.

Reading the informed consent form for LASIK and discovering that they could accidentally lop off my cornea, lose it and no one will get on the their hands and knees and look for it.  Not cool, I need that cornea.

Kids who walk outside and don’t shut the door.  SO NOT COOL.  And I mean that literally.  Were they born in a barn?  Was I born in the 30s?

I cannot leave the state without a court order.

I have to report my whereabouts on a weekly basis.

Government employees visit my home regularly.

They have the right to show up unannounced.

I have been accused of crimes by persons unknown.

I have no right to face them.

I have never been convicted of a crime.

I am a foster parent.

I understand that you are trusting me with children that you have sworn to protect.

I passed your tests.

I passed your background checks.

I take 50 hours of parenting classes every year.

Why are you treating me like a criminal?

I bet she has a cat.

I bet she walked around spreading her cat dander all over my house.

I can’t write anymore, I need my hands to remove all the skinfrom my face.

Later.