annieology

This ain’t my first rodeo.  I’ve been watching poorly dressed men hide behind barrels some twenty years now.  If you don’t get that reference, then, I guess, it IS your first.  So, here are some tips.

Get them ready the night before – Most parenting sites have this tip.  Pick out their clothes the night before.  If you want to be truly awesome, DRESS them the night before.  Why go thru the hassle of a wardrobe change at 7:00 a.m. when you can can completely eliminate it.  This will give the kids five more minutes of sleep, and I think we can all agree how important sleep is.

Feed them.  Or don’t.  I’ve had 24 kids.  Some eat in the morning.  Some don’t.  They all should, you can lead a horse to water and all.  You want to make your morning truly enjoyable (a total living hell) get into a power struggle with a five year old about the amount of milk there is or isn’t in a bowl of Cheerio’s.  #lose #lose

School supplies.  They should have some.  Unsure of what to get?  Things to write with.  Things to write on.  Maybe some glue.  If you feeling particularly self important get a binder.  I’ve discovered that it doesn’t matter what you send that first day, they always come home with a list, or 15 of things that are also needed.  I take advantage of the fact that everyone else is home filling out 72 pages of “who can pick up my kid” type paperwork and go hit the stores after I get the addendum’s. Plus, everything is on sale so I buy two and am prepared for next year. (as far as you know)

Get them to bed at a reasonable time.

Who am I?

God?

Can I perform miracles?  No.  Plus, if they have to fall asleep during math a couple of times to learn that sleep is important, so be it.  If they get left behind, not my problem.  I am quite comfortable with the fact that some kids do need to be left behind, maybe even mine.  Let’s be honest now, someone is holding your kid back, you know it.  Your little Susie is not that stupid.

Pack them a nutritious lunch.  Or if you live in my town, don’t.  I’m still begging Jamie Oliver to come to our town, which is the fattest city in America.  I have a bit of foodie crush on him, and after having been stuck in London during the Volcano thingy earlier this spring, Tech Support may not ever take me back.  Let’s pause a moment while I drool over the bruschetta again.

Expect the worst.  They may not miss you.  You’ll be fine.  Just think about how much cleaning you can get done when they aren’t following behind you squishing blueberries and chocolate into the berber.

First of all, I would like to thank you for coming to hear my side of the story.

It was alleged on Saturday night by @BackpackingDad that while attending the #HomeHer10 conference I lifted a bag of Cheeto’s from the gift shop.

I am not a crook.

and as long as I have  you here….

I did not have sexual relations with that woman. Yes, I have a wedding planned to a female, in Vegas, not a marriage.  Yes, I was declared an honorary lesbian on Twitter the very same day, but therein lies my defense.  Honorary.

It has been alleged that there is a TMZ video of the alleged “Cheeto” crime.  Well, let me just ask you this, how many people are there out there with “I am annieology” tramp stamps?  Lots, so you remember that before you go casting  your aspersions in my direction.

This has been a trying time for my family and myself.  My kids cannot even enjoy a trip to Party City without the paparazzi chasing after us.  Sure, I could order party supplies online, but I feel the need to use up every last second of my 15 minutes.  I am hoping to leave here, thru the west entrance exactly 12 minutes after I step away from this podium, with my children without any further incidents.  I am parked in the west lot Row H in a red Sienna minivan, vanity plates say “Cheetos”  I have also provided a picture in your press pack and ask that you leave us alone. (Except not. wink)

I would like to thank my husband, Tech Support, for standing beside me thru this ordeal.  He assures me that Tide will take out Cheeto stains from pants, I hope I can say the same for my reputation.  The stain this has left on my heart, and the heart of my family….tissue please…sniff…sniff.

My sincerest apologies to the #HomeHer10 organizers oh wait, that’s @BackpackingDad, he’s a rumor mongering press whore.

Please understand that I cannot comment any further on this under the advice of my attorney and with the full protection of the 5th Amendment to Constitution to the United States.

God Bless America

West lot, Row H, twelve minutes….don’t be there (wink)

My kids matchy matchiness is brought to you by Gap – where you can be you-nique by looking the exact same as everyone else.

I know what you are thinking.  “I know what cures headaches…” yeah aspirin.  But this is the kind of headache that cannot be cured because I’m too lazy to go and get the aspirin.

I’ve been a pissed off mood for the past 24 hours, full disclosure will not happen, but I am in a no good rotten mood.  I am generally one to let things go, or so I thought.  Turns out they were not let go of, just buried deep within my soul waiting for a trigger. And boom, Armageddon.   I was fully prepared to be over it this morning, but alas there was no milk.

No milk meant no pancakes.  No pancakes meant no carb loading.  I needed carb loading to run far far away.  Instead, I used my “running” time to go to the damn store on a Sunday.

In order to make my Sunday grocery shopping more enjoyable, I wore the sexy dress.  Yes, it did in fact look like I was wearing last nights clothes.  I owned it.  “Yeah, I spent the night, and no, I couldn’t find my panties.” which is why I wore the boxers.

Anyway….

Pancakes were made.

and I ran away.

and I feel better.

I’m hoping tomorrow will be a better day.