annieology

First order of business.  Y’all remember Sadie?  My bff from forever ago.  Yes, seems she’s funny too.  Plus inspiring.  Plus apparently you learn a lot when you go to her blog.

Anyway

We were chatting tonight.  Like a lot of nights.

And

I nearly died.

Now, had I actually died from the incident.  It might not have been the most glamorous exit from mortality.  So, we agreed on my cover story.

I was saving a grandma, who was saving a kid, who was rescuing a kitten from a dog in a car that was on fire.  FIRE.

Seems much more interesting than “forgot how to eat and choked on a sixlet.  A.  Sixlet.”

At least I’m pretty.

and funny.  Did I mention that?

I even crack myself up.

Today, I got myself with a “that’s what she said”.

Then

You know when you go to open the garage door and it doesn’t go up, it goes down because it was opened like an inch.

I made a funny joke from that today.

I don’t think I should tell you.  Because in the context it is normally used in, NOT true.

But, out of context, like in the garage,….no I better not.

I’m in a funk.

I don’t feel like I’ve accomplished a thing this week.

I’m sure I have.  No kids have left the house naked. So, that’s something.  They are all near death from hunger, for some reason they are never hungry until two seconds before bedtime.  It’s very curious because they can find 1001 reasons not to eat at dinner time.

Which is why giraffe eat their young.

If you can tell me that reference, you win a car.  I’ll have to dig one out of the couch cushions, but it’s yours.

Apparently, the Hanta Virus is getting to me.  I had to go into the attic today and retrieve luggage for a future trip.  I think that I saw mouse droppings.   So you know I’m gonna die of the Hanta Virus, soon.

But, stick to the story about the grandma, the kid, the kitten, the dog and the car that was on fire.  And if you want to add “speeding into a school” I’m ok with that.

Seriously?

You know what this means?  In a couple of short days Tech Support is going to realize I did not get him an anniversary gift.

We got married on Independence Day.

Ironic.  No?

Well, I get fireworks every year, and the whole town shows up, so it’s kinda awesome.

Anyway,

I contemplated briefly what does one get for the man who has everything.  Well, everything that he could ever want (me).

Hello, Google?

Silk.

Seriously?

Yeah, Tech Support is all about the silk.

This puts me in a bind,

Oh wait there’s an idea……

Bondage aside. I have it narrowed down to A Terror Alert Chart, and by terror I mean Annie.  Instead of predicting whether or not some loser is going to try to get under my underwire at the airport it will predict the likelihood that I will either be an uncontrollable bitch (red) or show up at his office naked (green).

It’s either that or a bacon scented candle.  And I learned today that they don’t make those.

Hey there new readers

Remember to go back and vote for me.  Then come back and laugh.  You’ll be thankful for the break anyway.  To help you feel a little more comfortable, I thought I’d answer some questions, go over some rules.  Tell you the dress code.  All very important things that need to be addressed.  Because without boundaries our relationship will never work.

First. Comment.  Commenting is like using the front door.  Not commenting is like peeking in my bedroom window at 3:00 in the morning.  You enjoy it, but I can’t put on my best performance unless I know who’s watching.

Second.  Tell your friends.  I am a middle child and need the validation that only strangers can provide.

Third.  Wear pants.

Fourth.  Prepare yourself a beverage, however do not drink unless instructed to do so.  I have been told that Coke/Coffee/Wet type beverages are hard to get off the keyboard.  The beverage is for when I say “anyway” I say it a lot.  The kids have turned it into a drinking game of sorts.

I have a husband.  Tech Support is what we call him.  We have been happily married for 10.4 years.  We will be celebrating our 12th anniversary on Saturday.

I have six kids.  Dagan, Sk8rboi, Radical, Felpsy, Boog, and Princess.

Dagan used to be something else, but we recently changed it to the name I threatened to give her when people kept asking what I was going to name her.  Dagan has been pushed out of the nest a couple of years now.  Sk8rboi is 17.  I started homeschooling him today.  Something I swore I’d never do, but he had two more years of school and one more year of interest.  If he continues with the course schedule as it has been laid out, he’ll graduate in six months.  Radical is what the kids call a “tween” he has outgrown Pokemon but can’t yet go to the mall unattended.

Those three are my bio kids.  Who have three different fathers.  I wasn’t slutty, just really really fertile.

Felpsy, Boog and Princess are commonly referred to as “the orphans” here.  They are our foster children.  Felpsy came to live with us when he was 18 months old.  We are his 7th home.  He joined Boog and Princess who are his siblings, who had been placed with us six months earlier when they were five weeks old.  For five weeks every year they are the same age.  This year they were five.  I’m tired.  I refer to them as the orphans, not because I do not claim them as my own, rather to remind everyone that they have been in foster care for FIVE AND A HALF YEARS.  We love them as our own.  We have hired and fired attorneys to get the right to call them our own.  We have had legal custody (a very big and unusual deal) for a year, and still have not been allowed to adopt them.  So, do not think that I wouldn’t go all mama bear on you if you hurt them, I would.  I just want everyone to remember that they don’t have legal parents.

We have an open “adoption” plan with their mother, whom we call Mama.  It is our choice to keep in contact with her.  She isn’t perfect.  Neither are you.  Deal with it.  Without her we wouldn’t have our children.

Recently I started running barefoot.  I SO MUCH LOVE IT!!! I doesn’t hurt.  The whole point behind the practice is that you are aware that you aren’t wearing shoes and you are mindful of where you put your foot and how you put it down.  I got a couple of blisters the first week, and after about three miles on the treadmill it gets a little toasty, but even with the foot breaking in routine, I am running farther and faster than ever.  Plus, it saves me money on running shoes and I can buy pretty shoes.  Plus, today I ran shortly after getting a manicure.  Try doing that in running shoes.

Not happening.

I am a right wing, Jesus freak.  I have been known to drink and smoke and use the f-word.  I am debt free except for the house, which is going away fast.  Two months ago we started paying more in principal than in interest and that makes me happy.  When I travel for a week, I take one bag, when I go somewhere overnight, I end up taking two.  I am a mystery.

Now, your first comment can be to tell me about you.